When I was 8 weeks pregnant, we lost our first baby. It was incredibly traumatic and painful – both physically and emotionally. Many of us experience miscarriages but it’s not often talked about. I get it, it’s deeply personal, painful, and it’s something we may not feel comfortable sharing. For me, part of my healing process has been talking about it with other women who have gone through the same experience. It’s comforting knowing that I’m not alone and there are many others who understand this pain.
The night before it happened, I started to experience cramps and knew something felt off. The next morning I started work as usual. When I experienced sharp abdominal cramps and heavier bleeding I called my nurse but she told me to take a Tylenol. In the afternoon the pain began to increase and I noticed even more blood. I had to lay down from the intense cramping. I was so scared. When the blood clots came, that’s when my emotions overwhelmed me and I was certain of what was happening. I called my in-laws to take me to the ER.
When the nurse confirmed that I lost the baby, I felt a deep, deep sadness and disappointment. I also felt guilty. Did I do something wrong? Did I exercise too much? Did I eat something bad? I knew miscarriages were common and was aware of the stats (1 in 4 women), but I never expected it to happen to me, a healthy 30-something-year-old.
The Healing Process
The first week was hard. But each day gets easier. It was important for me to focus on rest and activities that are healing and restorative. If you’re experiencing something similar, here are some of the things that brought comfort & healing during this whole experience.
1. Take time off work
This is an obvious one, but for us workaholics it’s hard to unplug – especially without a coverage plan! Fortunately my manager was very supportive and encouraged me to take all the time off I needed to heal, cry, sleep, rest, and process everything.
2. Focus on activities that bring you joy
I think it’s important to grieve and cry out the pain. But I also think it’s just as important to keep doing activities that bring us joy & comfort. Since working with my hands is therapeutic, I created dried floral wall art, baked cookies, and made a floral wreath. I also took my dog to the beach, went on a picnic, started exercising again (lighter intensity), and playing piano.
3. Go on a date night
What really brought a lot of comfort was talking about what happened with husband and spending quality time with him. Since I’ve been holding off on sushi and wine, he took me out to our favorite wine tasting spot and sushi dinner in La Jolla. We dressed up. Held hands. Cried in the car. Treated ourselves. Enjoyed the sunset. I felt loved, cared for, and supported.
4. Talk about it with friends
I don’t think you need to tell everyone your pain – it’s your choice to share it with whoever you feel comfortable sharing it with. For me, it brought a lot of comfort and healing to talk about it with several friends who also lost a baby. It was just helpful to talk about it with someone who knew what it felt like, who could help me understand that it’s nothing I did wrong. It’s just something that unfortunately happens to many of us. We’re not alone. We shouldn’t feel ashamed of it. We may never understand why it happened, and that’s ok. It’s been healing to cry with my girlfriends, hear their experiences, and share my own.
5. Take all the time you need
If you’re ready to start trying for another baby, go for it! If you need more time, take it. I believe each day gets easier if we focus on our emotional, mental, and physical health. Certain things may trigger us, so if that means skipping a baby shower, don’t feel guilty about it. What’s most important during this time is your health & healing.
If you’re reading this and need someone to talk to about it, I’m available to chat! You can email me at gleanandglow@gmail.com. Sending hugs and love to all the mamas and soon-to-be mamas out there.
